I Think I See a Problem...

A company is offering full-body suits customized in your sports team's colors, calling it a Root Suit. It covers the entire head, but you can apparently see through the head-mask portion pretty well. However, the company recommends against driving with the mask in place (Root Suit also makes specialized toilet paper which will print any picture you want on each and every square. This is more than a little disturbing).

The problem I see is that these suits would look swell on most athletes and, obviously, super-heroes. But I think we all know that the specialized training and diet regimen of the athlete produces one type of body, while the specialized training and diet regimen of the fan produces another. And I don't think anyone wants to see the average fan's body in tight spandex.

There is also the problem of the two teams meeting who have the same colors. Picture this: You've dressed in your Root Suit to cheer for, say, your OU Sooners. Which means you're wearing a red and white Root Suit, because that's the closest they can come to crimson and cream. But this is the Saturday you face the Nebraska Cornhuskers, who are also wearing red and white Root Suits! And they are all masked! How will you know who are among the blessed and who are the accursed?

Even if you come to some sort of agreement that one school will have the left side red and the other white, while the other school has the reverse, how can you be certain that the properly-hued suit on the bleachers next to you is actually a fellow fan and not some skulking miscreant who has infiltrated your section by turning his suit inside out? Every time you cheer, he could be jinxing your team under his breath, cursing them by saying things like, "Enter the draft early, Sam. Coach the Broncos, Bob."

I say "he" in this case because I can't imagine a woman wearing one of these things in public. No matter how much you may ask, beg, plead and swear it doesn't make her behind look big.

Because she will know it does. And she will know you are lying.