Memo...

To: Several Teens Within the City of Boston
From: People With Functioning Brain Stems
Re: This news story

It has come to our attention that a significant portion of you and your peers, during a recent survey, found pop singer Rihanna equally or more at fault for her beating at the hands of her boyfriend, hip-hop artist Chris Brown. We have considered all possible explanations for this situation and are left with only one: You have committed an Epic Fail, and your bread ain't done.

We realize that you are far from the only persons who would hold this opinion, so we apologize in advance to all of those who do for utterly failing to instruct you in certain assumptions held in common by decent folks, most especially (but not limited to) that the idea a man would hit someone he loved offers proof in itself that the subject is in no way a man and has a fatally atrophied understanding of love.

We appreciate your prompt attention to resolving this matter in any way you see fit, but we would suggest you begin by pulling your heads out of your asses.