Ubi est mea?

That's the Latin phrase columnist Mike Royko once suggested should be used as the actual motto of his hometown of Chicago instead of the official Urbs in Horto. The official one means "City in a Garden." The accurate one means "Where's mine?"

This thought was brought to mind by the upcoming selection announcement from the International Olympic Committee of which city will get the 2016 Summer Games. Chicago is one of the finalists, and oh boy will there be some smiles on the faces of some people if if the I-O-C says "C-H-I."

I don't just mean all the folks who'll swell with civic pride at the honor being done to their city, and at what it means for the hard work of the organizing committee. I mean the folks whose eyes light up when big big projects get scheduled for their particular bailiwicks because when the till is that big, there's some money that'll fall through the cracks somewhere. And if Chicago has any resources whatsoever, they have an abundance of people who know how to hold their wallets under those cracks so that the Windy City becomes the Windfall City.

If the Olympics comes to Chicago, I suspect many things about the games will change. Rather than file protests and seek records when China tries to pass off toddlers as teen-age gymnasts, somebody will call somebody.

And the van that drives the Chinese gymnastics team from O'Hare to the Olympic Village will be discovered to be lacking a couple of permits, which means it has to be stopped by the police and probably impounded, and we'd let you make your phone call, pal, but as you can see the phone is out of order and the guy from Illinois Bell said he'd get here between 9 AM and 4 PM today but he ain't here yet and if you was in that big a hurry to get where you had to go you shoulda checked on your permits, shouldn't you. And anyways what's a grown man driving a van full of little girls around for? You some kind of weirdo, bub?

Enterprising fellows will be around to offer target-shooting competitors "upgrades" on their weapons: "Now seriously, guy, you expect to do anything with a popgun like that? C'mon, that's not even gonna break the skin on a brat. Lemme show you some stuff that'll get you notice and make sure that target stays down."

Swimmers pitted against local favorites might find their swell new high-tech sharkskin suits augmented with a dash of cement: "It's an advisory. There's more where that came from, if you know what I mean." "Did not finish -- fell down some stairs" will be an explanation for why certain runners never completed their marathons.

The fire department might douse the Eternal Flame because "city code says you can't have an open flame this size, you know, so I gotta put this out quick because I'm out collecting for the Department Benevolent Fund and I'm behind on my quota and...oh, a donation? Hey, thanks! I better get back to the house right away and turn this in! You just remember about that flame thing next time, OK?"

Hmmm...maybe Chicagoans aren't the only ones hoping their city gets picked.

(H/T American Princess)