It's a Secret!

And it is! Don't tell anyone, because I'm not supposed to know this, I bet. I overheard it tonight at the Class 6A semifinal game between the Jenks High School Trojans and the Southmoore High School Sabercats.

I mean, it's explosive info. It's a conspiracy beyond anything any flat-Earther, Obama-birther, or 9/11 truther has ever imagined. It makes the moon-landing-was-faked conspiracy look like just a little white lie. At first I thought I should keep it quiet, but then I realized that if I didn't tell, then I might be a target for people who want to make sure this stays under wraps. Only if the information was widely known could I evade the possibility of assassination!

So, here it is: The state school sports association tells referees to make calls during football games that will keep big games from being blowouts so people will stay interested. No, really, it's true! I heard the guys behind me in the Jenks section saying so! At first, I didn't believe them either, but you didn't see what I saw. Time after time, the referee or the line judge or someone else in a striped shirt (stripes -- divided loyalties, perhaps?) would make a call against the Jenks Trojans for no reason.

That's right, for no reason at all. Nobody ever threw a quarterback to the ground (he tripped), nobody ever held (you gotta let 'em play!), nobody was ever offside (he was drawn off!) and nobody ever moved while set at the line of scrimmage (that was the wind blowing his jersey! Did you see that mosquito on his eyeball? He didn't take his meds!)

And again, I wasn't sure. The guys who were talking about this were behind me, about ten rows up, while the zebras were limited by being right on top of the action, so it's pretty obvious who was making the right calls.

Well, I hope it worked, this high-level conspiracy between a high school sports association and part-time, paid-by-the-game officials. But we'll have to wait until next year to find out. If lots of fans attend Sabercat games in 2010, coming off this 12-2 season, then we'll know the conspiracy worked.

But it'd probably still be wise not to say anything about it. You never know who's listening.