Another Big Honkin' Lump of Coal

To the apparently underemployed Dr. Nathan Grills from Monash University in Australia, who suggests that the image of the right jolly old elf, all chubby and plump, promotes obesity in children.

The tradition of leaving Santa a glass of brandy also promotes an image of drunken driving, Dr. Grinch -- Grills, I mean -- says. I respond thusly:

1) As we learned from any number of Rankin-Bass Christmas specials, the reindeer are sentient. Santa can have as much brandy as he wants; he has nine designated drivers and one of them has an illuminated nose.

2) I'd imagine that after Santa's "helper," AKA "Dad," sweats through the midnight, midnight-plus-one and perhaps midnight-plus-two-and-three hours to put together that blasted bicycle, he's earned a swig, so lay the bleep off, Doc.

3) Children love Santa, but children do not want to be Santa. There is no waiting line to perform chimney-work, for example.

4) A glass of brandy and a mince pie left out for Santa? Australians have some different holiday traditions, it would seem. No wonder the old lush never touched the milk and cookies my sister and I made sure were left for him.

You know, if university professors like Dr. Grills and the fellow mentioned the other day keep this up, all that coal is going to make people start questioning their ecological commitment.