It Happens to Every Panda...

Well, the National Zoo's pair of pandas, female Mei Xiang and male Tian Tian, attempted to mate Saturday night.

According to the story, the attempt was unsuccessful and Mei Xiang was artificially inseminated. I am quite sure that if Tian Tian ever learns to read, he is going to be royally ticked off at the Associated Press for spreading this news around. We're told that zoo officials "carefully observ[ed] the pair for several hours and determin[ed] that mating had not been successful..." Artificial insemination was done quickly, we're told, because female pandas are generally fertile only about one day a year. Some thoughts:

1) Whom did the zoo officials tick off in order to get this detail? "You forgot to kick in for the coffee again, Fred, so you're stuck on the randy panda watch this year."

2) It takes several hours to determine that mating hadn't been successful? As I recall from locker-room discussions during my boyhood days, success or failure at this particular endeavor (the latter of which never happened to anyone, at least as far as the information approved for public release was concerned) was generally determined rather quickly. Indeed, the mere fact that an attempt lasted several hours was at least worth an "attaboy!"

3) Might it be possible that the several hours of observation played a role in the failure of the mating? Perhaps Mei Xiang is modest. Perhaps Tian Tian is the possessor of some exceptionally smooth panda moves that he doesn't want stolen by a bunch of opposably-thumbed wannabes.

4) After the mating didn't succeed, the pair of pandas was anesthetized so that artificial insemination could take place. I wonder if the zoo had to sub-contract the anesthesia to another organization: "Sleepy-Time Services, for when your zoo animals just aren't 'in the mood.' We knock 'em out, you knock 'em up."

5) I am quite certain that every wife who has been nagged by her husband regarding disparate levels of enthusiasm for the frequency of this specific aspect of married life is now cutting this article from the newspaper, highlighting the infrequency with which pandas mate, laminating it and preparing to brandish it at the appropriate moment, along with the ominous warning, "Better count your blessings, buster."