WHEREAS, you were, this evening, tuned to the channel carrying programming from the American Broadcasting Company or ABC network, and
WHEREAS, during the time I was exercising, that network was broadcasting the program Wipeout, and
WHEREAS, during that time it also broadcast the program Downfall,
BE IT NOW RESOLVED, that on this day, the sixth of July, the year two thousand and ten, that you receive gratitude and thanks for offering me a picture of what I shall do when I have only one functioning neuron in my skull: Watch either of those programs voluntarily, and
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that you receive gratitude for offering me a picture of what I shall do when that last neuron ceases to function: Become a contestant on either program.