Owls say "OW!"

Indeed, the stunned Owls of Rice University could only gape open-mouthed as they were denied the end zone until the very last minute of play and lost to the courageous Wildcats of Northwestern 30-13.

The hapless Owls, as powerless against the Purple Reign as their namesakes would be against actual wildcats, could do little more than give their place-kicker a workout through most of the game. Gripped no doubt by sheer terror, they tried to placate the valiant lads from Evanston by both fumbling the ball to them and throwing an interception, but a just universe would not allow these transparently sacrificial moves to stay its hand. Entropy was preserved, bodies in motion tended to remain in motion unless acted upon by outside forces, and the Cats were victorious.

Next week, Our Heroes return to Ryan Field to host the Chippewas of Central Michigan State University, who will, if the subset of reality includes the set of deity, return to their college's town of Mt. Pleasant feeling anything but.