The forces of good -- represented as always by the valiant Wildcats of Northwestern -- defeated the forces of wickedness -- today being played by the Commodores of Vanderbilt -- in the football season opener for both teams. Brilliant physicist Stephen Hawking was quoted as saying, "Well, at least the universe makes sense this week." Lionel Richie was reported to be considering filing a lawsuit to retroactively change the name of his former band so that they would no longer be listed as "The Commodores" on Billboard charts. "We always thought 'The Commanders' sounded a lot cooler, anyway," he said.
Although the villainous minions of Vandy Coach Robbie Caldwell tried desperately to wring a tainted victory from the grasp of the wholesome, apple-pie-loving Cats, they learned that, truly, they should have been thinking on quaecumque sunt vera.
Next week, the upstanding young men of Evanston will be crushing the hopes and dreams of Reggie Redbird and his Illinois State cronies as they make the long journey from Normal, Illinois, in order to experience utter futility.
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