Dear Columbia University,

I am writing to alert you to the fact that a number of your students seem to have been replaced by alien pod people with doo-doo where their cerebral cortices should be.

You can tell them from the regular protesters engaged in debate on both sides by the fact that they booed and heckled a man in a wheelchair. I strongly suggest contacting federal authorities to aid in your search for your actual students so they may be returned to their families and the pod people can be repatriated to the bizarre and apparently impolite world from where they came.