Even the Very Toppings of Your Bagels Are Numbered...

I just don't understand how things like the brewing scandal at the University of Miami, the whole situation with Cam Newton's dad soliciting payments to get a college to sign his son and the mess at Ohio State University could make anyone believe the NCAA is somehow not enforcing ethical and proper behavior by its member institutions.

C'mon, these people are on the ball (so to speak). They know what's going on; they have considered every possible problem and have given schools guidelines to follow. For example, I can't count the number of times I've heard of some shady booster surreptitiously paying college cafeteria workers to put toppings on recruits' bagels. That's right. I'll wait while you compose yourself.

Now, every written ethical rule since human beings figured out they could encode their thoughts by making marks on a flat surface speaks with one voice in this matter: Cream cheese is only for enrolled student-athletes. Of course colleges may provide bagels to recruits without any danger whatsoever to their principles, but offering them a small plastic container of butter spread for those bagels imperils the very concept of amateur collegiate athletics. In fact, some ancient texts suggest that the real reason Socrates was forced to drink hemlock was that he gave peanut butter and jelly to a track and field athlete considering enrolling in his philosophical school -- making the NCAA's version of the "death penalty" look kind of wimpy by comparison.

Fortunately, at its recent meeting the NCAA decided that offering recruits spreadable material in conjunction with a dry baked good was not, in and of itself, a problem. It therefore passed Proposal No. 2011-78, which would allow recruits as well as student athletes access to bagel toppings from the college cafeteria. Rumors that the aforementioned shady boosters may file suit to block free access to this popular recruiting "extra" in order help them keep the edge for their school in the fiercely competitive bagel arena of landing top prospects are, as far as I know, unfounded.

(H/T The Sports Economist)