I Shall Taunt You a Second Time!

George Weigel, the biographer of a man who probably didn't insult very many people, laments the death of the truly clever insult. Modern insults by well-known figures tend to focus on different bodily functions and are expressed in terms of George Carlin's well-known seven words or similar terms. Or instead of being witty, they're just mean, like the odious Sean Penn's words about people who criticized his visit to Haiti. The repulsive Penn said he wished those critics would "die screaming of rectal cancer." Aside from the fact that such a condition would deprive those critics of the one organ designed to truly appreciate the odious Penn for what he is, it's not really all that witty, especially for a man who claims to be as smart as he does.

Folk of letters and politicians of earlier days, though, could whip up some doozies. Lady Astor told Winston Churchill that if he were her husband, she would poison his soup. Churchill replied that if he were her husband, he would drink it. Weigel quotes Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Nineteenth century Speaker of the House Henry Clay, on meeting party enemy Senator John Randolph on a narrow sidewalk over a muddy street, refused to give way. "I never step aside for a scoundrel," Clay is supposed to have said. Randolph tipped his hat, stepped into the mud and said, "I always do." Those two would also trade gunfire in an 1826 duel that left neither seriously injured.

Weigel omits my favorite, originally ascribed to a member of the English House of Commons in the 18th century, John Wilkes. Wilkes was considered a radical reformer who had the funny idea that the people of England should vote on who would represent them, rather than the representatives already in the House of Commons. He also supported American independence. Such views didn't land him on the good side of House of Lords member John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich. Montagu traded on Wilkes' reputation as a libertine when he was supposed to have said, "Sir, I do not know whether you will die upon the gallows or of the pox." Wilkes was supposed to have responded, "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress."

The exchange hasn't been completely verified, and a lot of people suggest it occurred between 19th century political rivals William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli. Either way, I've got it memorized on the chance I ever get to use it.