Mighty (Nasty) Ducks

Some folks in Oakland Park, Florida, are having a problem with gangs of feral ducks.

Consider, for a moment, the amazing technology at my command -- to create the computer which I use, the lines that transmit the information, the servers that store it -- and realize that it has been used to type the words "gangs of feral ducks."

Now, back to the foul fowl. These particular ducks are called "Muscovy ducks" and are, as you can see if you check this photo at Wikipedia, ugly even for ducks. They are, as of 2010, a protected species. That means they can be trapped and killed, as long as it is done humanely. Since they are not native to Florida, they can't be gathered up and dumped somewhere else. And they're apparently bad-tempered. The reason for the female's irritation may come from the fact that when Muscovy ducks mate in water, the male completely, er, ducks her under water during the process. Few females find this romantic.

No one knows why they are called "Muscovy" ducks, since they originate not in Moscow or anywhere in Russia, but in Mexico and Central and South America. When asked if they knew why they had that name, the ducks responded, "Nyet...I mean, no...I mean, 'quack!" This leads me to suspect that they are, in fact, old Soviet sleeper agents disguised by ingenious plastic surgery.

Rumors that the CIA is stepping in under the project heading "Operation L'Orange" have not been confirmed.