Pretty Funny, Monkey Boy

There are certain breeds of dogs that, through thousands of years of careful cultivation, have been tailored, tweaked, manipulated and guided to a place that, should they ever develop opposable thumbs, we are all dead.

In the meantime, they are eternally bad-tempered because they know that what has happened to them is not the result of Mother Nature's BFF, the capricious Miss Natural Selection. Someone did it to them on purpose. Among these bad-tempered animals are chihuahuas, whose owners unaccountably proclaim their toughness and (pardon the language) bad-assery as though they're talking about a badger with hemorrhoids. My parents once saw one of these fearless oversized rats bravely charge a German Shepherd, barking furiously and promising swift death should any vital organ come within range of its tiny yipping jaws. The shepherd closed its own jaws on the thing's head, shook it once and snapped its neck without even growling. And there was peace upon the land.

Among these genetic psychopaths are poodles. Full-sized poodles tend to be fairly even-tempered. At around 45 pounds or heavier and 15 inches or more in height, they do not feel the need to assert themselves even when wearing one of those stupid poofy haircuts that dog shows insist is the appearance of a Champion Dog. They seem to have more of an attitude of "Hey, that's right, I look funny. Come right up here beside me and I'll make with a big ol' toothy grin of my own!"

Small poodles, on the other hand, have one of two thoughts in their tiny little canid craniums: "I shall obtain respect despite my appearance by barking incessantly and ravaging the toes of any creature who dares cross by path," or, "If I keep barking someone will eventually kill me and put me out of my misery."

The second thought comes to mind when I see this picture of a poodle which has been trimmed and dyed to produce the cast of The Simpsons. This dog may not even be waiting for opposable thumbs, but instead plans on paying an inventor to develop a death ray which can be fired by a wagging tail.

We will all die laughing.