So, just a few months after the Large Hadron Collider restarts, we see the black hole at V404 Cygni kick off a set of X-ray and gamma bursts unlike any that it has produced for more than 25 years.
Is the renewed activity a sign of communication between the black hole and the LHC, with the existing destroyer-of-everything telling the potential destroyer-of-everything how to cross the line and become an actual destroyer-of-everything? Isn't it just a coincidence? Perhaps, but the timing is suspicious. V404 Cygni consists of a star that orbits a black hole, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand the "wake-up call" of radiation bursts could mean that the black hole member of the pair has suddenly decided to slurp some matter from its companion in order to signal the LHC on what it needs to do in order to create a black hole of its own -- which would, of course, result in the destruction of the Earth. The reason the activity stopped in 1989 is that there was no one there to listen to those instructions. But now there is.
Now waitaminute, you may say. V404 Cygni is more than 8,000 light years from us, which means that the radiation bursts that have astronomers so excited didn't really start happening June 15, like the article says. They actually started happening more like June 15, 5985 BC, when the current site of the LHC was occupied by the forerunners of the Linear Band Culture who were making some interesting pottery but were a little shy of creating particle accelerators. We're just observing them now because the radiation took 8,000 years to travel to our detectors.
So you are getting yourself worked up for nothing, you tell me, unless you want to say that V404 Cygni has existed for thousands of years and foresaw the future development of the LHC on earth while it was still way back in the Sixth Millennium BC and timed its activity so that it would arrive after the LHC had switched back on...
See? Doesn't sound so crazy now, does it?