Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Communists Win

Although we thought that the fall of the Soviet Union and the transformation of the Cuban presidential palace into the presidential centro para convalecientes signaled the end of Communism anyplace outside of the faculty dining room, we were apparently wrong.

The production of thin Oreos is not itself so off-putting, as is the reality that these Oreos are not intended for twisting apart or dunking. In other words, they were deliberately designed to not do the thing that Oreos do best. Mondelez International, the company that makes them says the thin cookies are "designed for adults." Abomination! Outcast! Unclean!

And in fact, the twisted deception at the core of this development is made clear at the end of the story, as company CEO Irene Rosenfeld says that initial efforts to make a thinner cookie broke apart 60 percent of the time, until newer versions could be made that broke up only three percent of the time. In other words, even though these cookies are "designed for adults," and not intended to be twisted apart or dunked, they were put through the R&D wringer until they were made able to be twisted apart as God intended Oreos to be.

In my mind, the only possible response is to re-erect the Berlin Wall. Except that it should be placed around the headquarters of Mondelez International, and the following speech given: "Chief Executive Rosenfeld, if you seek peace, if you seek satisfaction among the eaters of your delicious products, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this cookie! Ms. Rosenfeld, dunk this cookie! Ms. Rosenfeld, tear open this cookie!"

(H/T Dustbury)


fillyjonk said...

The thing that bugs me most is that they're marketed "for adults." Like, "Here, you work hard for a living. You put up with disappointment on a daily basis. But instead of giving you the real cookies, have a weak simulacrum that you can't even eat the way they were intended to be eaten."

"Oreos thin" or whatever they are calling them make me sad already, and they haven't even hit the market here. (Maybe they'll be the New Coke of Oreos? Can we hope that?)

Friar said...

I would say it's meant to build character, except that's only for kids.

fillyjonk said...

I've got way more character at this point than I know what to do with. Don't need to build any more.

CGHill said...

The least they could do is frost them with a layer of glistening trans fats.