Surely you don't think there's some other reason that CBS will shorten its NCAA Men's basketball Championship tournament bracket reveal show by a half-hour, do you?
Yes, yes, I know -- last year's version was silly and delayed the bracket reveal long enough that Twitter leaked the information before CBS's talking heads could finish. But in the very year when the tournament might possibly have meaning for the first time in its 79-year history, the show is shortened.
Isn't it possible that the deep state forces of Illini Communism, knowing that any exposure to the upstanding purple paragons of loving your mom, eating your vegetables and saying your prayers will only reflect poorly on them, engineered the lost half-hour? I say that without a thorough investigation, that thesis cannot be disproven.
The Illini may themselves earn a berth in the tournament. In which case it will be the job of the Northwestern University Wildcats to take some time off from rescuing puppies, saving lost kittens, helping Nancy Pelosi and Elizabeth Warren across the street and conducting experiments on quark-gluon plasma to give them the thrashing they so richly deserve.