Darned Statistics

The Democratic majority leader in the lower house of the California legislature, Ian Calderon, wants restaurants to cut down on their straw usage, so as to reduce the amount of waste plastic introduced into the environment.

If the law he introduced passes, then the unfortunate wait staff person who offers you a straw without you asking for it could face a fine of up to $1,000 and up to six months in jail. Were I resident of California, you know of course what I would do. Yes, get the hell out of there as lickety-durn-split as I could, of course, but in the meantime I would ask every server I had for two straws and mail one to Assemblyman Calderon.

Is the reduction of waste plastic a worthy goal? Sure. Are straws a source of that? Well, probably. I've tried to get myself in the habit of not getting a lid at a fast-food restaurant unless I intend to take the cup with me. It's been a long time since I was prone to spilling my soda and it's not really needed, and that way I can trim some of my own plastic waste creation. Would it be a neat idea if servers started giving out straws just when patrons asked for them, or asking before handing them out? Sure it would, and it would probably help trim that amount of waste.

But a law, with a six-month jail term and a $1,000 fine? The bill is rock-solid evidence that someone has taken the business end of a straw, inserted it deeply into Assemblyman Calderon's cranial cavity and switched the Dyson on full. It is, frankly, a wonder that his head has not collapsed due to the unequal pressure between the atmosphere outside and the hollow, echoing vacuum within. That someone on his staff managed to figure out they should remove the fines from the bill is no credit; this is not an idea you should walk back from as much as one you should never have had. Zapping restaurant servers with six-month jail terms and $1,000 fines when most of them make less than minimum wage is like citing children for illegal lemonade stands.

As the article at Reason notes, the ultimate fun of this entire episode of "Who Votes for These People?" comes here: The only printed source for the amount of waste generated by thrown-away plastic straws is a phone survey done by Milo Cress. Mr. Cress called straw manufacturers and surveyed them on straw use back in 2011.

When he was 9.