Indeed, the stunned Owls of Rice University could only gape open-mouthed as they were denied the end zone until the very last minute of play and lost to the courageous Wildcats of Northwestern 30-13.
The hapless Owls, as powerless against the Purple Reign as their namesakes would be against actual wildcats, could do little more than give their place-kicker a workout through most of the game. Gripped no doubt by sheer terror, they tried to placate the valiant lads from Evanston by both fumbling the ball to them and throwing an interception, but a just universe would not allow these transparently sacrificial moves to stay its hand. Entropy was preserved, bodies in motion tended to remain in motion unless acted upon by outside forces, and the Cats were victorious.
Next week, Our Heroes return to Ryan Field to host the Chippewas of Central Michigan State University, who will, if the subset of reality includes the set of deity, return to their college's town of Mt. Pleasant feeling anything but.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Get Me Rewrite!
Thomas Jefferson, 1787:
"Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter."
Thomas Jefferson, after seeing yesterday's article in the online "Healthland" section of Time Magazine:
"Um, never mind."
"Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter."
Thomas Jefferson, after seeing yesterday's article in the online "Healthland" section of Time Magazine:
"Um, never mind."
Where Are We Again?
We've had a bit of a spat in the area regarding how the National Anthem is being sung at college football games.
Fans of the University of Oklahoma Sooners have been substituting "home of the Sooners" for "home of the brave" in the last line of the song, "The Star-Spangled Banner." Sooner head coach Bob Stoops weighed in this week, suggesting that since OU's opponent is the Air Force Academy, it would be good for fans to sing the original words rather than their own innovation. Since most of the players and their classmates from the Academy will begin serving their nation after graduating, and since some of that service will be in harm's way, Coach Stoops thinks it would show proper respect to them. They, after all, will be some of the actual "brave" who are referred to in the anthem and it might be fitting to acknowledge them while they are guests.
A local sports columnist referred to the "Sooner" ending as "a star-spangled shame," given that fans had made their changes to the anthem at a game on Sept. 11. His opinion has generated the usual insightful commentary in letters to the editor, online comments and sports radio call-in shows.
I sympathize with people who believe that altering the anthem in this way shows disrespect to our nation and those who serve it, as well as those who served it and made the ultimate sacrifice in that service. But I disagree. We have heard people screech the anthem in myriad ways, bending and twisting the notes to suit their own vocal abilities or to put their own style into it. Those people have looked on the anthem as less of a moment to honor their nation than to showcase themselves, which is in essence what those who bellow "Sooners" instead of "brave" do also. Although I would like to see how many of the "Sooner" shouters sing anything other than that last line. I don't think disrespect is at the root of choices like these. I think actual disrespect would require more of an effort and more thought -- the anthem-changers haven't given enough thought to the matter to be disrespecting their country, its history or those who serve it.
Not that the anthem is some kind of holy writ, which must not ever be changed. Our nation adopted it as such relatively recently -- 1931, if you're curious -- and seemed to do just fine without it for many years.
I don't mean to suggest I approve of either our local university fans' alteration or of those who treat the text and tune as something they have to mold and shape so that their own glory might stand before the symbol they're supposed to be honoring. I just don't see supposed disrespect as the reason I disapprove. A common phrase I've heard and used suggests that we should never ascribe to malice what can be explained by incompetence, meaning that it's a lot easier to be dumb than evil. In this case, I would say that we should not ascribe to disrespect and anti-patriotic feeling that which can be explained by a simple lack of class.
Fans of the University of Oklahoma Sooners have been substituting "home of the Sooners" for "home of the brave" in the last line of the song, "The Star-Spangled Banner." Sooner head coach Bob Stoops weighed in this week, suggesting that since OU's opponent is the Air Force Academy, it would be good for fans to sing the original words rather than their own innovation. Since most of the players and their classmates from the Academy will begin serving their nation after graduating, and since some of that service will be in harm's way, Coach Stoops thinks it would show proper respect to them. They, after all, will be some of the actual "brave" who are referred to in the anthem and it might be fitting to acknowledge them while they are guests.
A local sports columnist referred to the "Sooner" ending as "a star-spangled shame," given that fans had made their changes to the anthem at a game on Sept. 11. His opinion has generated the usual insightful commentary in letters to the editor, online comments and sports radio call-in shows.
I sympathize with people who believe that altering the anthem in this way shows disrespect to our nation and those who serve it, as well as those who served it and made the ultimate sacrifice in that service. But I disagree. We have heard people screech the anthem in myriad ways, bending and twisting the notes to suit their own vocal abilities or to put their own style into it. Those people have looked on the anthem as less of a moment to honor their nation than to showcase themselves, which is in essence what those who bellow "Sooners" instead of "brave" do also. Although I would like to see how many of the "Sooner" shouters sing anything other than that last line. I don't think disrespect is at the root of choices like these. I think actual disrespect would require more of an effort and more thought -- the anthem-changers haven't given enough thought to the matter to be disrespecting their country, its history or those who serve it.
Not that the anthem is some kind of holy writ, which must not ever be changed. Our nation adopted it as such relatively recently -- 1931, if you're curious -- and seemed to do just fine without it for many years.
I don't mean to suggest I approve of either our local university fans' alteration or of those who treat the text and tune as something they have to mold and shape so that their own glory might stand before the symbol they're supposed to be honoring. I just don't see supposed disrespect as the reason I disapprove. A common phrase I've heard and used suggests that we should never ascribe to malice what can be explained by incompetence, meaning that it's a lot easier to be dumb than evil. In this case, I would say that we should not ascribe to disrespect and anti-patriotic feeling that which can be explained by a simple lack of class.
Monday, September 13, 2010
No Shirt for You...
Did you know that, if you bought one from the University of Georgia website, you could sell an A. J. Green jersey? If I bought one, I could too. Barack Obama could. Sarah Palin could. The pastor who wanted to burn a Koran could. The imam who's the spokesperson for the group that wants to build a mosque near the destroyed World Trade Center towers site could. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could -- but probably only the youth sizes, because he's a sawed-off little runt of a psychopath. Hugo Chavez could, but then he would likely order some soldiers to confiscate it back from you and keep the money.
In short, nearly all of the world's citizens, should they find themselves in possession of a University of Georgia Bulldogs jersey No. 8 with the word "Green" on the back, could sell said jersey for whatever their local market could bear. Unless, of course, that citizen happened to be A. J. Green, the guy whose work in that particular shirt makes it something someone would want to buy. Green can't sell it, even if it's one he wore himself and didn't just order off the school website. When he did so, he got suspended by the National Collegiate Athletic Association for the first four games of the season.
Get that? The University of Georgia can make all the money it wants off Mr. Green. If, in the process of playing full-contact football for them, he is injured or if he turns out to be not so great at the pro level or is a head case who can't get signed, he will never make any money. But even if he does, the University of Georgia will share none of their green with Mr. Green, despite the fact that they made it directly from his labors and his good name. They will, of course, claim they are giving him free room, board and tuition while he works towards a degree. Mr. Green, for the curious, is enrolled in the University of Georgia's Department of Housing and Consumer Economics, where he is pursuing a bachelor's in housing. You may read about this major here.
I like watching college football, and I have fun offering my hyperbole-laden recaps of my alma mater's football games. But the reality is that universities, coaches, conferences, TV networks, shoe companies, athletic apparel companies and the like all make mints of money off the unpaid labor of young men while offering them little more than food and a roof -- a situation I thought a Mr. Lincoln signed a piece of paper ending, back in 1863.
It may be that those in charge of the NCAA and its plantation -- I mean, organization -- didn't study history. But I bet they will, one day, get the Cliff's Notes version, thanks to some enterprising lawyers and a judge or two who did take that course.
In short, nearly all of the world's citizens, should they find themselves in possession of a University of Georgia Bulldogs jersey No. 8 with the word "Green" on the back, could sell said jersey for whatever their local market could bear. Unless, of course, that citizen happened to be A. J. Green, the guy whose work in that particular shirt makes it something someone would want to buy. Green can't sell it, even if it's one he wore himself and didn't just order off the school website. When he did so, he got suspended by the National Collegiate Athletic Association for the first four games of the season.
Get that? The University of Georgia can make all the money it wants off Mr. Green. If, in the process of playing full-contact football for them, he is injured or if he turns out to be not so great at the pro level or is a head case who can't get signed, he will never make any money. But even if he does, the University of Georgia will share none of their green with Mr. Green, despite the fact that they made it directly from his labors and his good name. They will, of course, claim they are giving him free room, board and tuition while he works towards a degree. Mr. Green, for the curious, is enrolled in the University of Georgia's Department of Housing and Consumer Economics, where he is pursuing a bachelor's in housing. You may read about this major here.
I like watching college football, and I have fun offering my hyperbole-laden recaps of my alma mater's football games. But the reality is that universities, coaches, conferences, TV networks, shoe companies, athletic apparel companies and the like all make mints of money off the unpaid labor of young men while offering them little more than food and a roof -- a situation I thought a Mr. Lincoln signed a piece of paper ending, back in 1863.
It may be that those in charge of the NCAA and its plantation -- I mean, organization -- didn't study history. But I bet they will, one day, get the Cliff's Notes version, thanks to some enterprising lawyers and a judge or two who did take that course.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Red Scare Defeated!
Yes, the forces of the free world, represented by the help-your-grandma-across-the-street upstanding young men of Northwestern University, triumphed once again over the diabolical-but-hapless minions of the red menace, represented by the Redbirds of Illinois State University.
After foolishly angering the valiant legions of purple with their presumptuous scoring of a field goal in response to NU's initial touchdown, ISU remembered their station in the grand scheme of things and went quietly for the remainder of the game. As merciful as they were dominant, the Wildcats limited themselves to a field goal in the second half so as to only moderately crush the Redbirds instead of completely destroying their spirits.
Next week, those paragons of all that is decent about our great nation travel to Houston, that they may steam some Rice.
After foolishly angering the valiant legions of purple with their presumptuous scoring of a field goal in response to NU's initial touchdown, ISU remembered their station in the grand scheme of things and went quietly for the remainder of the game. As merciful as they were dominant, the Wildcats limited themselves to a field goal in the second half so as to only moderately crush the Redbirds instead of completely destroying their spirits.
Next week, those paragons of all that is decent about our great nation travel to Houston, that they may steam some Rice.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Have You Ever...
...read something that made you laugh so hard you were scared to look in the mirror for fear you now had pasty white skin, green hair and a grin so wide it was actually malformed, like this:
Now you have.
The original article is here, and it has quite a few more howlers produced by someone who desperately needs to meet her own personal Copernicus to tell her something other than herself occupies the center of the universe.
Now you have.
The original article is here, and it has quite a few more howlers produced by someone who desperately needs to meet her own personal Copernicus to tell her something other than herself occupies the center of the universe.
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