Pro Tips

-- When you walk up to the people selling tickets at the local high school football game and offer them a $100 bill to pay for your $5 ticket, chuckling, "Well, good, I needed the change" after they practically clean out their money bag to break it for you is a good way to be remembered as an ass.

-- On a related note, the people taking the money aren't going to invent a senior citizen's discount for you on the spot just because you say that schools "up by the city" have them.

-- There aren't many things in sports prettier than a quarterback hitting the receiver in stride and watching said receiver zip down the field at an appreciable fraction of the speed of light.

-- When the television sets at the gym use just plain old speakers to be heard instead of a fancy audio headphone system, turning the TV up really loud in one room so the people on equipment in another room can hear it better than they can the set in front of them is another good way to be remembered as an ass.

-- High school students who paint their faces at their high school games are perfectly normal. Adults who paint their faces at professional football games are...well, not normal, maybe, but generally acceptable. Adult men with children (who are not themselves players) who paint their faces at high school football games are...misguided.

-- When your legs actually blanch under the hems of your shorts because they're that tight and cut off your circulation, you may have crossed over the line of sensible ways to attract the attention of boys.