America Held Hostage, Day 7

It has now been one week since CableOne stopped carrying Viacom channels because Viacom wanted more money for its declining channels than CableOne wanted to pay for them.

Around the country, the effects of this deprivation are noticeable. Many former CableOne subscribers have switched to other providers so channels such as MTV and VH-1 can remain on their screens. Those who have not switched have noticed a collective IQ jump averaging nearly 10 points. Several have reported breakthroughs in cold fusion, faster-than-light space travel and developing at least three different mathematical equations for predicting prime numbers.

The National Academy of Sciences has called on CableOne to stand firm in its resolve to leave shows like Mob Wives, Black Ink Crew and Teen Mom 2 off the air, suggesting that the United States could leap to the front of the nations of the world in scientific achievement in just a few more weeks. "It's a matter of national security," a spokesman said.

Dingy Gray Smear Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) insisted that CableOne and Viacom work out their differences, at least in Nevada, prior to his re-election campaign in 2016. "We can't afford too many intelligent, well-informed voters," his office said. "Other politicians both left and right, aided by having principles, standards and a detectable amount of character, can get by when their electorate can walk and chew gum at the same time and breathe through their nostrils. We can't take that risk."

America's "millennial" generation, accustomed to receiving their information from funnymen John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, have been surprised by the alternatives. "I watched this old guy on my parents' TV, and he just sat there and read the news story," one said while his iPhone was charging. "I mean, nobody laughed, he didn't say $@&% even once. And did you know that they put the news out on paper that you can read? It's true! I found this big stack of folded-up paper in my dad's bathroom and when I opened it out, there were all of these stories about stuff going on all over the world. Really! And they do a new one every day!"

Note: None of the above is true, except for the part about no Viacom channels. The absence of Teen Mom 2 from some 790,000 U.S. households has not ushered in a utopia of intelligence or dramatically improved anyone's life.

Yet.