This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Poor CBS. They were all set to have a two-hour television show revealing the brackets for the 2015-2016 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Tournament. The pageantry! The amazeness!

But then, 25 minutes into the show, someone Tweeted the entire bracket and spoiled everything! CBS Tweeted a statement saying they were investigating, because they took this sort of thing "very seriously."

The early release and CBS's response indicate these items to note:

1) CBS is obviously aware that no one watches its show to hear the analysis and hoopla that its commentators and analysts provide, because they were showing the bracket at about a one-quarter per half-hour clip. If people wanted to hear whatever the CBS hires (and I don't know who any of them are except for Charles Barkley, and I only know him because the Washington Post item mentions him by name) had to say about the tournament seedings, then they would stay tuned in to the whole show, regardless of when the whole bracket came out.

2) This may have been the single most useful function to which Twitter has been put since it was invented.

3) This may have been the single useful function to which Twitter has been put since it was invented.

4) We cannot be far away from a red-carpet watch party studded with celebrity guests to observe the bracket unveiling and analysis. Ask yourself -- is it a good thing that the day may come in which you have to actually watch the show for five or ten minutes to learn if the program in front of you is the NCAA bracket release or the Academy Awards?

5) The tournament once again escapes relevance by the omission of the only college program still battling Illini Communism -- the upright, clean-living square-jawed specimens of America-, mom- and apple-pie loving manhood who proudly wear the purple Wildcat of Northwestern University. What's that? Their 20-12 record doesn't earn them a tournament berth, you say? Well and good, but you had better not say that if you're a devotee of Vanderbilt (19-13), Fairleigh Dickenson (18-14), Texas Tech (19-12), Syracuse (19-13), Oregon State (19-12) or Austin Peay (18-17). And most especially if you follow Holy Cross, who nabbed a play-in spot for the 16th seed in the West Regional with a 14-19 losing record.