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Note: The following is not true. It is intended to mock, in no particular order, President Donald Trump, former U.S. Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, Senator Elizabeth Warren, the people who created the "Trump baby" balloon, the people who gave money to the campaign, U.S. Representative Maxine Waters and news media that treated this event as anything other than a monumentally silly stunt. If any of these categories applies to you, I apologize for making fun of you.

Except for Rep. Waters. She's earned it.

In a stunning reversal of almost everything he has ever done, President Donald Trump today announced a raft of significant policy changes while traveling abroad.

"It was the baby balloon thing," the president said. "The presence of a 20-foot helium balloon, not quite 100 feet off the ground, for two entire hours made me re-think all of my policy positions." Trump announced the following:

-- The withdrawal of the nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to fill the United States Supreme Court seat left vacant by the retirement of Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy. Trump immediately submitted Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren's name in Kavanaugh's place and promised to lobby for a constitutional amendment to allow her to remain a Senator while serving as an associate justice. "It's the least I could do for this wonderful, wonderful woman," he said.

In a statement, Warren said that while she was honored to be considered, she had pledged on principle to oppose all of Trump's nominations and so would vote against herself. "I just do not have any confidence that any nominee from this president will put the interests of the poor people of America in front of the rich people," she said. "I cannot in good conscience support my nomination and would urge my fellow Senators to vote against me."

-- The Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency would be re-tooled and renamed to reflect its new mission, becoming the Immigrant Cupcake Experience. "We're going to let these brave people, these good people, be paid from the federal treasury to eat cupcakes supplied by the best pastry chefs in the world," Trump said. "I was told the government did not have enough money to do this, so I immediately ordered the National Mint to print more." When informed that while there was no National Mint, there was a U.S Mint, the president ordered the name be changed. Upon learning that money was actually printed by the Treasury Department's Bureau of Engraving and Printing, Trump ordered the new National Mint to mount a military coup on the BEP in order to carry out his instructions.

-- Declared himself guilty of allowing Russian president Vladimir Putin to write-in "three hundred million ballots" in the 2016 election and sentenced himself to a fine of "three trillion dollars. It has to be trillions," he said. "Trillions and Trump start with the same letters." When it was pointed out that he had received only 69 million votes and that in fact there were not three hundred million registered voters in the United States, the president removed all restrictions on voter registration and encouraged people to vote as many times as they wanted, whenever they wanted. "That's how they do it in Chicago, you know, and that's a great, great city. Tremendous city."

Trump supporter Newt Gingrich, being asked about the president's new policy positions, said, "Well, the president is always so many movies ahead of his opponents that the full impact of these policies is probably beyond the understanding of most people unless they're as smart as me. I think you'll be surprised when you see the results, and it will be clear that he's got the other side right where he wants them."

Trump then told Vice-President Mike Pence that he was fired, appointed his former opponent Hillary Clinton to Pence's spot and resigned in her favor. Gingrich had no direct comment on this move, but he did smile knowingly and nod.

California U.S. Representative Maxine Waters, who has made "Impeach 45" a rallying cry at many events, denied that Trump's resignation would cause her to re-think her strategy, "This president is not a legitimate president, so his resignation cannot be legitimate," she said. "I am going to introduce an impeachment resolution against President Clinton and demand that she re-install President Trump so we can impeach him as he deserves."

A spokesman for the group that created the balloon, which was funded through online donations, said, "It's amazing what you can do with $40,000 of other people's money." When asked if the group planned on turning its attention to other causes, such as world hunger or human trafficking, the spokesman said, "Well, we would set up a campaign to do that, but people are still giving to this one. We don't want to confuse our donor base with two campaigns."