Being Helpful

With all of the fussin' and stuff going on over the Transportation Security Administration's new scanners and very friendly pat-down procedures, some novel ideas have surfaced for ways in which airline passengers can assist the TSA in making their jobs easier and our flying safer.

1. Offer them audible indicators of your thanks for the thoroughness of their pat-down. Although we might think that the agents eagerly await the opportunity to grope attractive passengers, we have to realize that those selected for the pat-down are chosen at random and that somewhere, some poor TSA agent is going to have to search Ed Asner. Making like Meg Ryan in Katz's Deli is a way to let them know we appreciate their sacrifice.

2. Wear only a Speedo or other swimsuit-like garment that offers them unobstructed view of the areas where most persons might try to smuggle in harmful items. This is especially useful if you are a person who may be carrying some extra weight around that might mean traditional clothes have extra room for contraband. This tactic is not recommended if you are flying in winter or headed to a northern city.

3. In a similar vein, if you are a man, wear a kilt. I made this suggestion when talking to our church's youth director, who had the bonus idea that, when being patted down, it would be a good time to channel your inner Braveheart and shout, "You can feel my thighs! But you can never take my freedom!" While I think that kid may be going places, I also have to caution that taking this action may definitely cause TSA agents and airport security to take your freedom, so you may want to stop with just the kilt.

If these invasive techniques could be demonstrated to make flying safer, I'm sure that I and others would have less trouble with them. But of course, a scanner that sees through clothes but not inside the body can't detect explosives or other contraband inside the body. And a pat-down search won't find them either. I am in no way any kind of security expert, so there are probably a lot of different factors I'm overlooking. But I'm wondering if it ought to make us curious, at least, that El Al, the national airline of Israel, doesn't employ body scanners or pat downs and yet has not had a hijacking. Why have they had success? Could their techniques be duplicated?

Again, I don't know, but it doesn't seem like those questions have been asked during the time the TSA was awarding lucrative contracts for purchasing the scanners from companies with some well-connected lobbyists. The question that has been asked -- and you can determine for yourself if you think it's been answered and how -- is, "Can flying today stink any worse?"